• Jaina

Losing Yourself to Find Yourself



We all know having a baby is a twenty four hour job and it changes your life forever. I've never been one to actively scream out that I wanted a baby although I knew eventually I would want to have children. Being married to Rakesh whilst running my own business and having an active social life was great and our independance and freedom was so valuable. However we started to feel like having a baby was the next step in life and I truly believe that when that feeling rises it is because there is a soul out there waiting to be born into your family. Before Vanaya was born, even before she was conceived I felt a connection and I guess many people feel the same way when they have children. 


The desire for a child then becomes so strong you are willing to make the necessary sacrifices to have a baby. One of the greatest lessons of motherhood so far is that of sacrifice. As a mother you give up your job and put your career on hold. You surrender your body, your independance and your freedom. Or at the least you surrender your definition of independence and freeedom and you find a new perspective. Its an intense period but through the process of sacrifice you let go. You let go of your past life. You may even mourn and grieve over the loss. As much as it is an external change there is also a lot to process internally regarding your emotions and feelings.  


When you let go you then become open and receptive to not only your childs needs but your needs too. However it can be easy to ignore our own needs. I mean frankly in betweeen all the feeds and the nappy changes where do you have time to fulfill your own needs? However if you listen to yourself there is an inner voice telling you what you need to do for yourself.  For me it has been taking the time to blog and share my story. It is a source of expression which feels healing and right for me. This outlet can take many other shapes and forms It could be simply making a good meal for yourself or perhaps its following a hobby such as baking a cake or painting a picture, going for a walk or making music. It is something that needs to be nurtured consistently just as you nurture your child. You'll also find that when you allow it it will come to you effortlessly. You have already surrendered all that you are therefore you are open and receptive. This is the perfect point for creativity to rise.  As I continue to write these blogs there naturally seems to be a continuous theme of self care rising which has not been intentional. I guess at a sub-conscious level I am looking for ways to continue to nurture myself through this process. It probably sounds selfish. But I don't want to lose myself and I have seen so many mum's who forget about their own needs and put themselves last on their priority list or don't even put themselves on the list at all. However perhaps you need to lose yourself to find yourself? Letting go of all that you are is like a deep inner cleanse where you also have to drop the ego and restablish your purpose. My purpose at the moment is to take care of my new born baby and everything else can wait. I know Vanaya is growing, changing and getting bigger everyday so these few months are so precious. I've lost my old self and gained the role of motherhood. Its new, unfamiliar, demanding and I feel the weight of the responsibility. At the same time it brings so much joy and love that I would do anything to feel this way. Have you ever felt that you lost yourself? How did this feel for you and what did you gain through the experience? I would love to hear from you so please do share your thoughts in the comments below. Please also share this article with anyone who you think may benefit from the conversation.  Much love,  Jaina x

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